DNA Magazine - "Deserving Dads" by Robbie Fells

Don’t let the excitement of becoming a father cloud your vision and enter an arrangement you might regret.

You’ve recently met your co-parent mum. She’s a single lesbian and you say to yourself, “Our kids would look gorgeous. We share similar views about parenting, neither of us believe in private schooling and we’ll work out the rest… I’m going to be a dad!”
Well, I did become a father and have an amazing three-and-half-year-old son that my partner and I parent five days a fortnight and during the school holidays. The rest of the time he spends with his mum and I pay child support just like any separated couple. But five years on, the person my partner and I had our child with is still a stranger.

Not everyone’s co-parenting experience has to be rocky, though. I’ve come across a range of co-parenting situations, some that work well and others that don’t. So what are the ingredients for success?

1. Think about the level of involvement you want raising your child. Be honest with yourself and be clear about this with the co-parent.

2. Do you expect to make decisions about the child’s welfare with the mother? Do you share decision making with your partner as well? What about the birth mum’s partner?

3. Are you matched in your views on raising children?

4. How do you relate to one another? Are you friends? Do you avoid conflict or deal with conflict together?

A lot of co-parent dads accept what they think they deserve rather than what they want. What a lot of gay fathers think they deserve is grounded in religious guilt, societal attitudes about homosexuality and a belief that gay people aren’t supposed to have children anyway, which can lead to an “I’ll take what I can get” mind-set. This is counterproductive. Remember that you have the ability and the right to be a great father.

The best co-parenting arrangements I’ve seen are those where the dad/s have limited involvement during the infancy and the mum/s determine when time with Dad occurs. The most common contact in the early years is visiting the child at mum/s house with overnight visits occurring once the child is around school age. If this does not meet your expectations then it’s helpful to discuss this with the mum/s. Don’t tiptoe around your needs.

Most arrangements I’ve seen have had changes to original agreements at some point. If you don’t have the ability to resolve conflict then you may feel compromised as a result of expectations not being met, so it’s important to find a match that meets your expectations.
While difference is great, there are some fundamental issues that need to be the same. For example, if your co-parent does not want the child immunised and you do that’s a recipe for disaster.

If there is unresolvable conflict you need to identify it before entering into the relationship and find a more suitable match. However, you still need to be able to bounce back from conflict. As in all relationships, regardless of how long you’ve known the co-parent, conflicts still arise. You need to be able to discuss these rationally and constructively, keeping in mind what is best for your child.

Your dreams do come true when you see your child for the first time. I believe it takes a village to raise a child, not just one or two people, so co-parenting can be an ideal situation.

Just remember not to rush in to being a father. The excitement of the possibility is intoxicating and can lead to poorly thought-out decisions, which can have dire consequences. Think about what’s best for yourself, your partner, the co-parents and especially your child so you can make the reality of fatherhood an amazing, rewarding experience.

[Link: Original Article]

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SBS TV - "Two Men & Two Babies" by Emma Cummings

"It is five years since Alexander's birth, and Tony and Lee now have a second child, Lucinda through surrogacy. Same egg donor, same surrogate. The sequel documents the intervening years since Alexander's birth and provides a unique insight into the world of this alternative family".

Two Men & Two Babies – "A follow-up documentary that takes audiences back into the lives of Tony Wood and Lee Matthews, one of the first Australian gay male couples to take what was then, the controversial step of creating a new family through commercial surrogacy in the United States"

Man Made: The Story Of Two Men & A Baby "explored Tony and Lee's overwhelming desire to have a child, their decision to pursue commercial surrogacy, and their fraught journey to Cedar Rapids, Iowa to experience the birth of their son Alexander to a surrogate, Junoa".

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National Geographic - "Swimming Against the Tide"

"Swimming Against The Tide is a series of stories about Australians who have chosen to live their lives their way. Told in their own words this programme is an invitation into the lives of people who, while they fit into the society around them, are doing something a little different to the rest of us. Meet a gay couple (Rodney Cruise & Jeff Chiang) who have adopted a baby son and are loving their new found fatherhood in Melbourne".

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The Age Green Guide - "Dads Double Their Brood" by Larry Schwartz

Dads double their brood - Larry Schwartz revisits two men and their second child and film.

TWO Melbourne men, featured in a 2003 documentary showing how they turned to a Los Angeles agency to have a baby because commercial surrogacy is illegal here, were looking forward to a second child.

Tony Wood and partner Lee Matthews faced a new challenge. "When we found out that our second child was a girl, we were delighted," says Wood, an employment lawyer at a large city firm. "But in a sense a boy would have been easier because we understand boys and we know how men work.

"I'll tell you, having a girl's the most enlightening experience. As much as you might want to say, 'I'm not going to gender-stereotype this child', she bloody well loves pink dresses and dolls and all that kind of stuff. It's amazing. It's a wonderful experience. We love her to pieces."

Lucinda, whose arrival is featured in the follow-up documentary, Two Men and Two Babies (part of SBS' Future Families series) is two years and three months old. She was born to Junoa, who also gave birth to her five-year-old brother, Alexander.

When I interviewed the couple almost five years ago before the screening of the first documentary, Man Made: The Story of Two Men and a Baby, Matthews, a businessman now in his late 30s, said he hoped Alexander would grow up to be straight so that he would have "one less hurdle to jump".

"We just want them to be fulfilled in their own desires and their own expectations," says Wood, reminded of this comment. "And they will be what they will be."

They are among the first gay men in Australia to have children this way. Wood says they now know of about 20 children born through commercial surrogacy.

But two men and a pram is still a relatively unfamiliar sight and some people ask questions. "They say, 'Where's mum?"' says Wood. "And you say, 'There is no mum. There are two dads."'

While laws in most Australian states and territories are restrictive, the ACT permits altruistic (non-commercial) surrogacy. Wood says he and Matthews would have preferred to adopt but this is not permitted here.

In the new documentary, he says commercial surrogacy "can cost hundreds of thousands of dollars" and he regrets that it can be prohibitive.

He says he and Matthews agreed to the second documentary despite "a high degree of ambivalence", partly because director Emma Crimmings, who received an Inside Film Award and Logie nomination for the first Man Made, is a friend.

They reasoned also that the early documentary had helped inform gay men and educate others. "I think ultimately our intention is to break down discrimination and prejudice," Wood says.

In the new film, Wood's mother talks of her early misgivings about his homosexuality and the way he and Matthews planned to have a child. Thanks largely to encouragement from her friends after the first film, he says, she is now a doting grandmother. "In a sense she's received the same kind of positive feedback that we have had. That's wonderful to her."

They are determined to be as open as possible with both children. "Alexander knows that his circumstances are not usual. Yet he also knows lots of other kids with two mums or two dads."

They say they will not have another child and there will not be a third film. "It was filmed on and off over a period of more than six months," Wood says of the second, "and, as much as you are friends of the filmmaker, you end up becoming at times less than best friends and very protective of your own personal time and space."

He notes there are fewer unguarded moments in the second film and suspects you "become a less-interesting subject for a documentary the more familiar you become with the process."

Was there anything he would have preferred not to see in the new film? "I would have made a very different documentary if I was editing it and there are certainly aspects that I would prefer weren't included and there were obviously aspects I wish were better reflected in the film," Wood says.

Filmmaker Crimmings met the couple socially through her partner, who worked with Wood. She says Wood and Matthews had "some contractual control. Ultimately they didn't have final veto," she says.

"But there was control in that when we got to the point where they would view the final outcome.

"If there were things there they took umbrage to and thought were not balanced and fair, then they would be reviewed and removed whatever the compromise was."

[Link: Original Article]

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Joy 94.9 Breakfast Show - Anthony Wood talks about "Two Men & Two Babies" to Andy and Adrian

Tony Matthews talks to Joy 94.9 Gay and Lesbian Radio's Breakfast show about the upcoming documentary "Two Men & Two Babies". To listen to the audio, click here.

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SBS TV - "Two Mums and a Dad"

Two Mums and a Dad - "2 Mums and a Dad is the story of the rocky road of 3-way parenting, a unique exploration of the nature of family in today's complicated society, as well as an insightful resource for everyone concerned with issues regarding the raising of children such as access, parent's rights and family conflict".

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ABC Radio - "Live Interview with Lee Matthews & Tony Wood and Josh Fergeus" with John Faine

Six years ago, prevented from adopting a child, or accessing IVF facilities or commercial surrogacy in Australia, Tony Wood and Lee Matthews embarked on an international surrogacy arrangement that would take them to Iowa, America, for the birth of their son. This resulted in the film, Man Made: Two Men and Baby. Five years on, Lee and Tony have a second child, Lucy who is 2 years old. A second film Two Men and Two Babies airs on 29th January on SBS TV.

Josh Fergeus is 22 years old today. He was accredited as a foster carer 3 ½ years ago. His mother has been a carer since 2001, and together with his mother and brother they fostered 21 different children. Josh works for Anglicare Victoria in Training & Recruitment for Home-Based Care. This involves publicising foster care and recruiting, assessing, training and supporting carers and volunteers. He has been involved in Victorian Government's new systems for training and assessing carers, training staff and carers in it's use since early 2007. He is a member of the Victorian Government's Home Education Advisory Committee and holds two Bachelor's Degrees in Arts and Teaching (Secondary), and I am currently studying my Masters in Social Work.

To here the entire interview, click here.

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